Once upon a time I was a girl with an imagination, with many friends: Peter, Michael, Wendy, Mary, John & Benjamin.

Except that my parents called them "imaginary". Actually my dad still calls them "imaginary" and asked what happened to them.

Yes, I stared at him, in front of company, in my late 30's with that "WTF" look on my face. Yes it was embarrassing and I know that parents do that sometime, but you don't ask about your daughter's imaginary friends when she's in her late 30's in front of her girlfriend and family members.

So, have my parents always known? Well I guess from that dinnertime conversation, I would say with a big resounding "YES". My mom's asked about how I used to "talk to myself". Most people would call those "external conversations". At some point when I was old enough - we stopped doing that (but most of us are soo chatty!) unless I was really sure that I was alone in the house/room or wherever I was. I don't like the "crazy" label because the "talking to yourself" is something that schizophrenics may also do and I'm pretty sure I'm not that.

Oh yeah, back to Peter, Michael, Wendy, Mary, John & Benjamin. Benjamin came on after they left the pages of Peter Pan and became something different. The same names would re-appear on stories I'd write from age four for some years. Sometimes I wonder how this all came to be to where it is now. Outside of this world - I didn't have many friends, I was picked on, started puberty at a very early age and and I at least did have a childhood.

I think when Jack & Charlie came along - everything kind of changed, and Michael the chief architect that ran things behind the scenes really struggled to get the two of them to fit with everyone else. Jack was chaos and Charlie was order in some sense, but parts of themselves don't really jibe with their roles (Charlie's really impulsive, Jack was frustrated more than impulsive). They were yin/yang for a short while - 1980-1983/84, when everything was the most unstable.

So back to how did I fit in with everything? Usually I hear about systems that don't have hosts, and if there's a headspace, everyone's in it or have something like headspace. However systems that have hosts, or a main fronter that lives/functions as a singlet - they're not at all involved with things behind the curtain.

Well in the beginning - I was very much involved, but I was pretty two dimensional, just the girl that connected everyone together. I don't even remember the story of how Michael & I met - I'm not talking about Peter Pan - headspace was pretty separate from canon in those days (it's not now, because it IS canon). I was a friend of Michael's but more like a friend of his family's. Oh his family used to be HUGE!!! Back when I used to read a lot of mystery books about old houses with secret passageways, rooms and stuff (I still like that kind of stuff, but it's a recurring theme in my dreams - still is) They had a big house, with victorian style windows and a large family. I don't know if the fascination also came out of Peter Pan or elsewhere, doesn't matter anymore. But Peter Pan stuff was still kind of an influence back then.

What did I do in headspace? Not a whole lot except hang out with Michael and then introduce him to Daisy (whom he's married to now). When I started writing stories with their names in it - they started adopted more qualities from the characters (new characters)...I guess we'd call it soulbonding and they were becoming more insourced as time went on.

Then things started to get complicated when a soulbond with the name of Jack came about, more tension and Michael scrambling to re-structure the system. Jack was based off an actual person - actor with the name of Jack Wild (I've had the pleasure of meeting him 20 years down the line, kind of nice closure I think). Jack was troubled, he was the first one that was.

That's when Fronting stuff, writing, canon started translating back to headspace and well it was either life out front or headspace, and canon wasn't a separate thing anymore. When stuff started going back and forth, was it pretty? No...It's the thing that Charlie fears, stuff from his headspace spilling out here. But in reality, some of it already has or did (last big spillage was 20 years ago). I dunno...I tend to go with the belief that headspace is more of a construct - a very good one. Well, it's there for a reason and I don't think there are any coincidences.

I didn't interact much with Jack in headspace or out front for that matter - he was confused/frustrated and ready to take everyone down with him and was almost successful. Charlie was a different duck but he's almost the same as his former alter ego. He brought on specially to stop Jack from doing what he was going to do and was successful. After that was over - Michael had to somehow fit them into our system, since neither had a headspace. Jack's stuff was related to the real Jack Wild at that time (I think I should have done more research..but no internet then) and Charlie well...he didn't have anything yet.

But when the big battle was over - both of them needed something to do when they're not out front. Michael's first attempt was literally connecting them to him. So Jack became Michael's cousin and with a lot of irony involved - Charlie became Jack's son.

Did this change who they were? OH yes, because instead of Charlie pushing Jack back - their roles reversed a bit and it didn't happen overnight. So that's where the backstory came into everything and that's where I came in.

My story of how I met Charlie? I was four years old (reality is that he wasn't around THAT LONG - but was common, putting people back in time to fill in gaps) and I was with Michael's family at one of their reunions. Hendrick & Jackie, Michael's cousins usually organized these things. There was Charlie with Michael and some of the other kids. We played together, it was pretty brief and I never saw him again until the early 1980's. So that was the backstory of how I met him.

So as the story goes (I think Charlie's even mentioned this at least once or twice) he came back to live with his dad in the early 1980's and I started hanging out with him. We became very close and I was the only person he trusted, he also met his future girlfriend in high school, Stevie around the same time (I introduced them). He was able to tell me things about himself, about the lost years in Louisiana he didn't want other people to know.

That's when he became a kid, that was troubled. Kind of familar? yeah his dad had a troubled life but not to the extent of Charlie's. So I experienced it with him, sat with him, and listened to his stories, so he'd take me back to the horrible things he experienced. At the same time, McMartin Pre-School Trial (google it or look it up on wikipedia), and that's the direction the story went with him.

Michael and some of the others that were around before Jack - started retreating and fronting less and less and before I knew it - I was in high school. I still walked with Charlie in headspace, and started to see the person he was becoming as well the kid that had his childhood taken from him.

When did I drop out of headspace??? early to mid-90's, about when I came out of the closet with my parents, most of my friends. Because of what was going on out front with me, it was transferring to headspace, but not with me so much, but with him. Paul came about around that time (although Charlie's stories places him back in high school - but actually Paul's the newest kid on the block), the backstory about him and Paul in high school, Charlie being shot, and them two breaking up but still in the closet.

Then something happened - he came out of the closet too, I introduced him to his first real boyfriend - Erik (I won't talk to him anymore cause he screwed him over) and he officially "came out". His parents knew, well just about everyone knew, he was having sex with guys on the down-low (except he always used condoms - he's a stickler about that shit). Then there had been talks/discussions about integrating Jack and potential in meeting the real one in the mid 1990's. That's about when I started to exit headspace, because things were becoming really stable and well they didn't really need me because there was a lot more I needed to do out front. I was graduating from college, trying to get a job, and all that jazz.

And I haven't really been back..until recently...well Michael's trying to bring me back but he's thinking like a soulbond, rather than as a member of a system that's been around for over 30 years. Charlie's a soulbond but he doesn't think like one, so his perspective's different and well he's kind of unique.

So far, it's been card games, Michael will shuffle cards until kingdom come, so that's kind of his comfort zone. It's interesting having everyone at the same table. I generally invite Alex Jr, but he hasn't shown up yet which is fine with Charlie, since he's not a huge fan of his. Alex's group is different from the rest of the system, so I'm not sure if they can really get involved in this project, just yet.

And Frankly I'm not sure if I can do what Michael has in mind, I guess he wants me to write more...different stories, take their names, and they'll re-adopt qualities from the not-so-new characters..maybe that's just a soulbond way of cleaning house??? Or bringing in new blood??

It's a matter of getting the momentum going...lack of attention span, only so many hours of the day and all that stuff.

Comments? Questions? Maybe questions will help getting memory jump started a bit.

--Carrie--

I'm leaving this open as a public entry and not F-locking this for the time being in case folks want to comment but don't want to add (I encourage adding but I will have to warn you that you may not see a LOT Of activity from this account) --Carrie--



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